The Life I Always Knew

Jennifer Lavoy

The Skills That "Went Nowhere" 

I look back on what life has shown me so far and what it has prepared me for. 
It is funny to think that all of these skills I have acquired over the years, all of which I once believed amounted to nothing. 
But were they actual failures? On the surface, yes. 
At least, not by the version of success I believed in. 
Fast forward 20 years and now I think I have come to an understanding as to why I accumulated all of these skills but never really made anything from them. It was part of my process. That process was learning. Learning how to design, learning how to shape my body, mind and spirit, learning how to identify proportions in art and photo composition, and learning who I was. 

I Didn't Know Who I Was 

Most of my life up until this point has been me following. I followed what other people were doing—listening to their ideas and adopting them, because I did not know who I was. 
After several life-shattering events, getting sober, and having a true awakening, I found something that was there all along. 
As a kid, I already knew what my life was supposed to be. 
How, you ask? I cannot really explain—other than feeling like they are flashes of memories and thoughts. 
Where do they come from? Well, as a kid, I had no fucking clue. My life did not have enough memories to support all of these feelings and ideas, but somehow I knew. 
I knew it involved helping others. I knew it involved art. I knew my life was not supposed to be measured by hours clocked in at some factory. 
I had weird visions at some point in my life that I would work in a factory—and maybe that was me identifying that my final stop in the 9–5 slave life was going to be in a factory. 

Failures That Weren’t Failures 

I can't prove what I am saying. All I can do is explain what my own intuition has shown me. 
So looking back at all of these failures—or what I classify as failures, to help you better understand what I am talking about—they were all lessons in my life. 
They were preparing me for this moment—sitting here typing this blog, finally feeling like I’ve found my calling. 
The funny thing is that all of these things I learned are pieces to the puzzle. 
We live in a day and age where everyone thinks you do one thing at a time—and rightfully so, some people do. They have great careers and actually love what they do. They go to the same building every day, and they’re enthusiastic. They face day-to-day challenges that inspire them or keep them feeling alive. 
My life is not that. 
The life I envisioned was a life of multifaceted interests. I knew from the start my life was supposed to end up this way: photography, art, design, music, fitness, and helping others. 
That is exactly what I knew my life was going to reflect. 

The Turning Point 

I was fired from my job at the factory. I was relieved. I had no clue how I was going to make things work, but I knew this was not a tragic end. It was the universe telling me it’s time. 
Time to move on. Time to finally live the way I was meant to. 
When I think about my life now, I love it. I am absolutely in love with the way I am living. From the outside it looks easy—I’m taking cool photos of musicians, making cool art, and going to the gym. 
I mean yeah, it is amazing—but the work never ends. 
I don’t think there’s a moment that goes by that I’m not thinking about the next project, reworking my schedule, writing, or diving into the next thing. 

My Life. Not a Copy. 

The life I am creating is reflecting my strengths in life and my ability to pick others up and make them shine—making people feel emotions and making a difference in people’s lives. 
I have been shown true purpose. 
That being said, most of this has come full circle in my life—including someone special who has been the only true cheerleader in my life, even before I knew they were going to be my partner. 
As a friend, cheerleader, and a true companion, Jenn has taught me so much. I met her ages ago as a friend, and over time—connected by a very long red string—we found each other again. In doing so, I am lifting her up as well, along with EVERYONE I am now interacting with. 
My life is becoming MY LIFE. Not a shadow of my best friends. Not a replication of anything—but a creation entirely my own. 
This has also led me to burn down my own box—and I learned it was just made from paper. 
Paper so thin I knew there was joy and love on the other side, but I refused to acknowledge it until now. 
So here is to a new life. 
No wait—here is to the life I knew already existed. Not new, but distantly familiar. 
For the first time since I was just a small child...  

I FEEL ALIVE AGIN