Picking Up and Starting Over

The Shift 

Here I am typing away, not really knowing what this will end up being. 

Life’s been crazy lately. Everything feels turned upside down again—or more accurately, it’s just a continuation of what’s been happening over the past month. 

I haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks, which has been eating at the back of my skull, and I know I’ll be way too busy in the next three weeks to get a workout in. 

Now I’m not complaining about any of this. 

It might seem like I am, but the reality is—when your life is drastically changed with living arrangements, and you go from a single bachelor mindset to being with another person—it’s going to change, and it’s going to be difficult. 

This is exactly what I signed up for, and I wouldn’t change a thing. But that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult. 

When the Body Pushes Back 

To top it off, my bowels have turned against me, and I’m starting to realize I may have either Crohn’s or IBS. 

I’ve probably had this most of my life, but since I’ve been in the fitness world, I’ve always stuck to a regular, boring diet. Lately though, my diet’s been shit—and that’s when everything flared up. 

Without realizing it, I had been keeping it all in check just by staying in shape and eating clean. 

That said, I’m grateful for what the fitness lifestyle has taught me—because at this point, it’s a no-brainer. I pretty much know exactly what I need to do with my meals now. 

AKA, get the fuck back on track with how I eat and what I put in my body. 

Creative Flow, Creative Pause 

My life as a photographer still keeps moving. 

Every day I have my camera with me now. It’s actually a cool thing—something that’s always been in the back of my mind as a creative, artistic person. 

Now when I’m driving by a location that’s been calling to me to take a photo, I just stop and do exactly that. 

I have so much content at this point that I’m working regularly with a heavy backlog of photos to get edited and posted on social media. 

My artwork has taken a back seat in this moment, though. 

It’s hard to say that, considering it’s what started this whole journey—writing, self-reflection, and tapping into who I truly am inside. 

I’m not giving up on it. Things are slowly falling into place. 

Jenn and I have a room dedicated to all of our creative outlets, and it doubles as a room for my son when he comes to visit on the weekends. 

Uprooting the Old Life 

I guess the hardest part of all this is realizing how much work I put into the life I had before all of this. 

The art, the gym, the photography, the writing, and trying to network and actually make something out of what I was doing. 

It really shows up when you pick your whole life up, move it to a new place, and combine it with someone else’s. 

It all looks easy on paper—and maybe with better planning it would’ve been a little easier—but life isn’t perfect, and it sure as shit will never be easy. 

I know that certain times require action, and that’s exactly what I did in this situation. 

But another thing that haunts me is my mother. 

I had been living with her before all of this, and I know she can’t fully live on her own. 

She can’t mow the lawn, drive, or get her own groceries. 

So living an hour away fills me with this low-level anxiety and guilt that never really goes away. 

I think, for the most part, I tend to overthink and exaggerate how bad situations really are—but that’s also just part of who I am. 

Intuition versus overthinking. 

Most of the time, I feel like I see things way ahead of the curve, but it’s usually met with, “You’re crazy,” or “You’re overthinking it.” 

So I fight that battle in my head every day. I guess that’s just part of the territory. 

The Life I Refused to Settle For 

I know spirit is guiding me, and I know I’m on the right path. 

But it’s still hard—especially knowing we’ve all been taught to do the “safe” thing. 

Go get a 9–5 job. Clock in, clock out. It’s reliable, right? 

But what if that’s the exact opposite of what you need as an individual? 

I did my best to conform and live that traditional life—working for other people, inflating some CEO’s pockets while the rest of us peons get crumbs and are expected to act completely grateful for it. 

It doesn’t matter how hard you work or how much effort you put in. 

At the end of the day, the paycheck is the same as the guy who spent the whole shift talking and doing nothing. 

Your effort feels worthless at that point. 

I always felt shame for not wanting that kind of life and told myself it meant I was lazy. 

But the truth is, I’ve just been avoiding myself this entire time. 

Why I Won’t Stop 

As I wrap up this entry—or blog, or whatever you want to call it—I sat down again not knowing what to write. 

And then I just started typing. 

Maybe my story will help someone. Maybe it’ll inspire someone else to do the same. 

All I know is this: I can’t stop. 

If I do, all the work I’ve put in up to this point will have been for nothing.