Eyes Wide Shut, Still Moving Forward

Eyes Wide Shut 

Once again, I had a completely different idea for this blog entry.

But the muse always has her own plan. Lately, I’ve been learning to embrace life with a little more chaos — something I’m still getting used to. 

After all, I’m a Virgo. Naturally non-chaotic. That’s served me in a lot of ways, but now I’m learning balance. 

I say this because right now, my life is a bit topsy-turvy. 

I was let go from my full-time 6–4:30 job, and now I’m collecting unemployment while trying to build my brand and business from scratch. 

I’ve also met someone new. 

Well — maybe not new. I’ve known her a long time. Long enough to call her one of my oldest friends. 

She knew me before life got crazy — 

for lack of a better term, “off the fucking rails.” 

This marks another big shift in my flow. 

Up until I stopped clocking in and working for someone else, things had some kind of rhythm. 

The Paper Box and the Pisces 

That’s when the unorthodox comes into play. 

Not living the "American Dream." 
Not living the 9–5, honey-I’m-home bullshit. 

It’s a reversal in many ways. 

And the trauma of being brought up to believe in comfort creates this lingering, humming anxiety in the background every day. 

I’m also moving in with Jenn, to her apartment near the city — Syracuse, NY. 

My mind keeps going back to my anti-social, anxiety-ridden paper box I tend to find myself in if I’m not careful. 

But I know I need this. And honestly, Jenn and I make an awesome team. 

Her being a Pisces — she’s the chaos I need in my life. 

She helps me tear down my paper box every day. 

One more thing to add to the mix is my mother. 

She was there for me when I needed a place to go — and that happened more than once. 

She’s getting older now, and I want to be sure she’s taken care of. 

Ironically, she did the same thing for my grandmother — in the same damn house — taking care of her in the golden years of her life. 

So at this point, my life has taken a very drastic turn from the older, more ordinary days. 

And part of that change means moving. 

I don’t want to feel like I’m leaving her behind by moving away — that’s been heavy on my mind — but it’s also an important part of what’s happening in my life right now. 

It’s another role reversal I never expected. 

Days that were built on the idea of punching in to someone else’s dream. Climbing the ladder. “Being successful.” 

None of which I ever actually did. 

It was always a rotten cycle of selfishness, naive ignorance, failure, and a steady feed of lies to convince myself I was worth anything. 

I can’t even count how many jobs I’ve quit in my lifetime. 

I was basically asleep at the wheel. 

A Spirtual Sunrise 

Now I am awake. 

And now I have to drive this fucking 41-year-old human — the same one who almost threw their entire life away to self-pacification, bullshit lies, and hypothetical dreams. 

So right now, on the surface, everything feels completely upside down… 

and ironically, it’s the exact opposite. 

Because for the first time, I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be — without the lies, without the self-pacifying, without the bullshit. 

I mentioned being blind in my previous blog, and I think I can elaborate on that a bit more now. 

I mean blind in the sense that we sincerely have no explanation for what life really is. 

That opens the door to this extremely large idea: that everyone might have a purpose in life. 

Happiness isn’t dollar signs.  Happiness isn’t fame.
Happiness isn’t a big home. 

Happiness is having love and appreciation for what you have in life. 

Happiness is identifying your soul and letting it speak its own language. 

Happiness is helping and sharing love to improve your life and the lives directly around you. 

For whatever reason, good things happen when you allow those things into your life. 

Call it divine. Call it faith. Call it the universe. Call it whatever you want. 

The fact is — it’s all the same on a level we don’t understand. 

Still Moving Forward 

I have to weave this back — I feel like I’m rambling. 

I’m embracing the chaos in front of me. 

I feel blind because nothing that’s happening feels like how I thought it would. 

That said, it’s been an enlightening experience. 

It feels like one of those choices people would warn you against — not out of truth, but out of fear. 

And still, I’m happy. 

I feel no resistance. 

I’m embracing the blindness with pure faith and the belief that: 

“As long as I put my best foot forward in any given direction, I can’t lose.”